Jul 4, 2023
In this episode, I interview Dr. Stan Tatkin, a therapist and developer of the Psycho-Biological Approach to Couples Therapy (PACT). We discuss various topics related to relationships, including the different phases of a relationship, advice for single individuals looking for a partner, maintaining curiosity and learning in a long-term relationship, creating a shared purpose and vision, and understanding attachment styles. Dr. Tatkin emphasizes the importance of commitment, communication, and understanding in building a loving and lasting relationship. He also highlights the need for individuals to understand their own needs and the needs of their partner.
What We Discuss:
Finding the Perfect Relationship [00:03:20]
Dr. Stan Patterson advises making a list of what the perfect
relationship would be, focusing on safety, security, and shared
values.
Vetting Potential Partners [00:05:45]
Dr. Patterson recommends being specific about relationship
expectations and observing potential partners for signs of
alignment with those expectations.
Neurobiology of Dating [00:09:17]
Dr. Patterson explains how nature uses emotions to drive the
procreation and continuation of the species, leading to the initial
stages of dating being neurobiologically drugged.
The Excitement of New Love [00:10:31]
Explains the initial phase of a relationship where the brain
produces chemicals that make us feel excited and focused.
Automating the Other Person [00:12:03]
Describes how as the relationship progresses, we start to automate
the other person and make assumptions, leading to potential boredom
and loss of attention.
Recognizing Familiarity and Disliking [00:14:32]
Discusses the phase where we start to recognize familiar traits in
the other person, both positive and negative, and how it affects
the relationship.
Why are we and what's our purpose? [00:22:30]
Discussion on the importance of understanding the purpose and goals
of the relationship beyond just emotions.
Creating a shared vision and dealing with deal breakers
[00:23:49]
Exploration of the need to align on values, culture, and deal
breakers to ensure a successful relationship.
Understanding attachment styles [00:30:17]
Explanation of how attachment styles developed in childhood can
impact how individuals react to stress and interact in
relationships.
Island and its family culture [00:34:03] *
The speaker discusses how the island's family culture prioritizes
performance and appearances over relationships, leading to a fear
of dependency and a need for independence.
Threatening behavior of an island [00:35:11] *
The speaker explains how islands protect themselves by distancing
and avoiding spending time with their partner, leading to feelings
of anxiety and insecurity.
Understanding different attachment styles [00:36:14] *
The speaker emphasizes the importance of understanding one's own
attachment style and that of their partner to avoid causing harm
and to create a secure and lasting relationship.
Episode Resources:
Dr. Stan Tatkin Instagram @ drstantatkin (Website)
Dr. Stan Tatkin Website (thepactinstitute.com)
Dr. Stan Tatkin's Best Selling Books (Website)