BREATHE N BOUNCE BY polarlinesUSA

I really take a hard look at myself to see why I have had people abandon me.  What is my role in all of this? What have I been doing?  When do I let my emotions take over?  I struggled to find peace because I have always been super angry and just don't know how to crack the nut.  So today's episode is trying to break things down and move on a better path.  

Highlights from this episode

And I think a lot of times when we're analyzing why we're not feeling good about something, first thing we do is we look at the environment, we look at other people, and we look for excuses. Those are the three things I think we look for, and I'm going to tell you the truth. I have been doing that. Oh yes, I have. I have been blaming my bad feelings on other people. I have been just feeling down for the last month. I've been in a depressive episode, and I think I understand why, and I think the one thing that I've learned that I forgot about is everything is my fault. The reason why I have been in this bad place is because I have allowed it to be. So, one of the things that I'm going to have to do today is I'm going to have to be really honest with you about me, and about all my shortcomings, about my faults, about my character defects, about you know some of the things that I have done in my life, and some of the things that have brought me to where I'm at right now, and that's going to be a very difficult process.

People really get scared to talk to me because of the way I react to things. I don't always react good. I sometimes can be sarcastic. I will name call. I'll be angry. I will yell, and those are nuts that I haven't been able to crack pretty much my whole life. So I think what we have to do, obviously, is if we're going to start to do better, we have to really start to take a big look at who we are. We have to stare into the eyes of our reflection in the mirror, and we really have to look. We have to think. We have to be willing to accept the things that we have done, and we have to really accept who we truly are. And once we do that, once we immerse ourselves with that, then the work can happen.

There's been so many times in my life, where I've stood by and I've I have done nothing, and I'm at a point right now in my life where I don't believe in standing by and doing nothing anymore. I feel like if someone does something to hurt someone that I love, I I gotta say something now. Um. I, I think I really look for people's approval a lot because I think for so long I felt that I was a piece of shit, and the funny thing is, some people will give me approval. Some people will give me praise, and I won't believe it because of me

Now lets get back on track here.  I talk about how I am going to rebuild myself from the setback last week and move forward.  I talk about the quest to find what worked for me before and getting back there, and making sure nothing or nobody stops me,

HIGHLIGHTS

Last week was a terrible episode, and I mean, some people are gonna say it was so vulnerable. You you were so vulnerable. No, it was fucking Disgusting. It was disgusting because I sat here and I wanted you all to feel sorry for me, because I was feeling sorry for myself, and I don't know. Maybe I didn't want you guys to feel sorry for me, but the truth of the matter is, I was like a, I, I don't know why I'm gonna say this, but I'm just gonna say probably because I'm full of caffeine and piss and vinegar right now. I was like a little fucking whiny bitch last week. I was, no, no, no doubts, no questions, no nothing. I just was sitting there worrying about a bunch of shit that I put in my mind. I was worrying about a bunch of shit that just kind of, just kind of popped into my head, right? And I think, I think I've been carrying a lot of depression because I think I realized a few things about my life, and one of the things that I think I learned about my life is I have given up any kind of forward motion that I was in the process of doing. I think I lost myself. I think I lost a lot of what I was doing, and I think that I was feeling sorry, maybe some sorrow, because maybe a little part of me was dying. And I think the thing about mental health that we always forget is that it is a process.

Well, I felt, and I think that's what I've been feeling like. Is I feel like I've been getting taken advantage of by quite a few people, and some of those people are people that are close to me. So that's hard. That's that's a hard thing to deal with. No one wants to be played for by a fool. No one ever wants to do that, you know. No one ever wants to be in that spot where they feel like they're a fool for someone's loving. No one wants to ever feel stupid And I think, at the end of the day, we have to understand that everyone in life plays the fool, whether we like it or not, and we just have to understand that's just the way it is. Sometimes you can choose not to, or you can play along, but it's going to happen in your life, and you just have to deal with it.

I want people to see me because of who I am. I want them to feel me because of the energy I bring, and I want them to recognize me. I want them to recognize me because I want them to know that if they see me, they are getting someone who is for fucking real. That isn't phony. That isn't a fake. That isn't here just to fucking do things for a reaction. Granted, that has been my mo for most of my life, but right now, I just, I just got shit to say, man, and I've got a story to tell, and I've got bad parts of that story where I did heinous, fucking unbelievable shit to people, and I have good parts of that story where I really pulled people out of the dark. I found ways to help people, and that's the thing that's beautiful, is your story always finds a chance to restart. But sometimes in life, when you know that people are just not who they are, and they're not going to appreciate you, and there ain't freaking jack shit you can do about it,

I probably shouldn't have went forward with this but this is exact what my depression sounds like, and how difficult it is for me to continue on with everything.  I think its important to demonstrate since people out there think its not real and its an act.  Frankly,  I don't even know if I am going to continue doing this anymore.  No one listens.  No one gives a shit.  Why should I?  I guess stay tuned.

NO HIGHLIGHTS

 I talk about how I screwed so much stuff up that year and it was the beginning of a slippery slope of doom with people who knew me, loved me, and the vomit of lots of anger, sadness, and guilt I was carrying for so long.  I think we all have years like this when we were at our worst.  How can we recover?  Did I make everything better? Was I able to grow and learn from it? Can you? Can anyone?  Time heals, but we must help move that process along.

HIGHLIGHTS

you think about all the things people said to you when you were at your weakest, and it hurts because then you start feeling that way about yourself, and then you start to act in a way that you probably shouldn't. And I could tell you that definitely was the case for me. I started acting up because I started keeping score of all the shit that was said to me by family members and things that happened in my life. And that is never a healthy thing to do. Is keep a score sheet. You want to play golf and keep a score sheet? That's fine. You want to play bowling? Good. The game of life never good to keep a score sheet. Never. There's so many reasons for that. But in the reason that we're talking about today, we're just talking about how all the things that she may have said to you might have led to downfalls. We have to also understand that sometimes our partners are angry, sometimes our family, our kids are angry, sometimes our parents are angry, and people don't mean what they say. And I'm not giving anyone a license to just say or do whatever they want, react however they want. But I'm saying it's just something that we all have to think about it as people is that sometimes all the things they say make us a little bit nutty, and we just have to kind of remember it's not always meant, but it's said, and we have to deal with it. All the things they say can drive a person mad. You listen to how much. If you listen to enough noise in the world, then you start to lose yourself in the process. You start to just feel kind of icky.

I still do a lot of things that I don't like to do, and you know, I'm 50 now, and I've been living many years in these survival patterns where I don't know how to treat myself well, and then there's there's that thing sometimes where you do treat yourself well, and then people start accusing you of being selfish, and that shit's really hard to deal with as well. But sometimes what we have to learn how to do in our life is sacrifice. We have to learn how to sacrifice things that we want for things that we want, or things that we think might serve us, but they really don't

we make bad choices. Sometimes we don't go the right way. So we have to start asking ourselves, what do we do to stop? And for me, I wanted to stop so many times. I didn't want to be angry. I didn't want to go off. I didn't want to get mad. I didn't want to yell. I didn't want to scream. I didn't want to do any of this shit. But I ended up doing it, and then I had to suffer the consequences of my actions, and the consequences for my actions were just really deep. I was in mental hospitals for three times that summer in 2016. I went three to three different hospitals, I was in four different programs. I saw at least four different therapists. I had so many medication changes, and quite frankly, I think the medication was really the what was really the linchpin. See, I did the fear factory thing there. The linchpin of everything that happened because I did not think I was uninhibited, and I was taking so many medications. I had I had a nurse practitioner that thought they were giving me tic tacs and skittles when they really were giving me medication, but I I made it through. But I still carried so many years of guilt with me, so much. On top of all the guilt before that, before when I was younger, I really fucked up and I really was angry and I fucking did a lot of bad shit, and I fucked up. And I mean, we get in these patterns where we start feeling shame, when we start feeling bad about ourselves, when we start wondering what is our what what is our mean? Are we are we good enough? Are we okay

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What are we OK with?  What works for us?  What if we can't find it? Is there a way to just be fine with that? I ask these questions today and talk about how I feel about it all and where it has brought me now.  Also big announcements for Breathe and Bounce as well.

HIGHLIGHTS

You are not the same way every day. But on that regard, you have to find the things that make you happy. You have to find the things that make you want to do, you know, all the good stuff. You have to find those things. That's part of the journey, right? You know, we hear about the journey. Everyone talks about that journey. Well, it is a fucking journey. Unfortunately, it's like a fucking marathon, you know. That's something my mentor said to me, and then Ice Cube said it in a much more vulgar way. Life's not a track meet; it's a marathon. Those words were said to me by my mentor, verbatim, and then about five years later, I heard Ice Cube quote them in a song. And it's true.

And sometimes the ego wants us to be right, but does it matter if we're right? At the end, what does that do for the Santosha? What does that do for the contentment? It does nothing. It pulls you away from it, actually. So contentment is not something that just happens. It's something you have to work at, especially if you have been living life for like 40, 5060, years a different way to have to reset the clock and start over from scratch. That's a lot of work, and the end result will be beautiful. Because I'm telling you this. Every day in my life, I start to feel a little bit more okay, and I don't want to fight, and I don't want to be an asshole because I've historically been an asshole to people, I have because of my ego, because of my fragile skin, because of my needing to be right. I don't need to be right anymore. If I know I'm right, that's okay. If someone else wants to believe I'm wrong, then fuck it

So we come to this point where we think we know everything, right? Because we're so smart, we're so fucking capable, and all that other shit. But the truth of the matter is, maybe we don't know as much as we did. Now you know. Maybe we needed have a little help. I think one thing that traps us-one of those little bear traps we walk into. Is the opinion of others, the opinion of what people think of us, that validates ourselves, and I think we search for that.