BREATHE N BOUNCE BY polarlinesUSA

I probably shouldn't have went forward with this but this is exact what my depression sounds like, and how difficult it is for me to continue on with everything.  I think its important to demonstrate since people out there think its not real and its an act.  Frankly,  I don't even know if I am going to continue doing this anymore.  No one listens.  No one gives a shit.  Why should I?  I guess stay tuned.

NO HIGHLIGHTS

 I talk about how I screwed so much stuff up that year and it was the beginning of a slippery slope of doom with people who knew me, loved me, and the vomit of lots of anger, sadness, and guilt I was carrying for so long.  I think we all have years like this when we were at our worst.  How can we recover?  Did I make everything better? Was I able to grow and learn from it? Can you? Can anyone?  Time heals, but we must help move that process along.

HIGHLIGHTS

you think about all the things people said to you when you were at your weakest, and it hurts because then you start feeling that way about yourself, and then you start to act in a way that you probably shouldn't. And I could tell you that definitely was the case for me. I started acting up because I started keeping score of all the shit that was said to me by family members and things that happened in my life. And that is never a healthy thing to do. Is keep a score sheet. You want to play golf and keep a score sheet? That's fine. You want to play bowling? Good. The game of life never good to keep a score sheet. Never. There's so many reasons for that. But in the reason that we're talking about today, we're just talking about how all the things that she may have said to you might have led to downfalls. We have to also understand that sometimes our partners are angry, sometimes our family, our kids are angry, sometimes our parents are angry, and people don't mean what they say. And I'm not giving anyone a license to just say or do whatever they want, react however they want. But I'm saying it's just something that we all have to think about it as people is that sometimes all the things they say make us a little bit nutty, and we just have to kind of remember it's not always meant, but it's said, and we have to deal with it. All the things they say can drive a person mad. You listen to how much. If you listen to enough noise in the world, then you start to lose yourself in the process. You start to just feel kind of icky.

I still do a lot of things that I don't like to do, and you know, I'm 50 now, and I've been living many years in these survival patterns where I don't know how to treat myself well, and then there's there's that thing sometimes where you do treat yourself well, and then people start accusing you of being selfish, and that shit's really hard to deal with as well. But sometimes what we have to learn how to do in our life is sacrifice. We have to learn how to sacrifice things that we want for things that we want, or things that we think might serve us, but they really don't

we make bad choices. Sometimes we don't go the right way. So we have to start asking ourselves, what do we do to stop? And for me, I wanted to stop so many times. I didn't want to be angry. I didn't want to go off. I didn't want to get mad. I didn't want to yell. I didn't want to scream. I didn't want to do any of this shit. But I ended up doing it, and then I had to suffer the consequences of my actions, and the consequences for my actions were just really deep. I was in mental hospitals for three times that summer in 2016. I went three to three different hospitals, I was in four different programs. I saw at least four different therapists. I had so many medication changes, and quite frankly, I think the medication was really the what was really the linchpin. See, I did the fear factory thing there. The linchpin of everything that happened because I did not think I was uninhibited, and I was taking so many medications. I had I had a nurse practitioner that thought they were giving me tic tacs and skittles when they really were giving me medication, but I I made it through. But I still carried so many years of guilt with me, so much. On top of all the guilt before that, before when I was younger, I really fucked up and I really was angry and I fucking did a lot of bad shit, and I fucked up. And I mean, we get in these patterns where we start feeling shame, when we start feeling bad about ourselves, when we start wondering what is our what what is our mean? Are we are we good enough? Are we okay

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What are we OK with?  What works for us?  What if we can't find it? Is there a way to just be fine with that? I ask these questions today and talk about how I feel about it all and where it has brought me now.  Also big announcements for Breathe and Bounce as well.

HIGHLIGHTS

You are not the same way every day. But on that regard, you have to find the things that make you happy. You have to find the things that make you want to do, you know, all the good stuff. You have to find those things. That's part of the journey, right? You know, we hear about the journey. Everyone talks about that journey. Well, it is a fucking journey. Unfortunately, it's like a fucking marathon, you know. That's something my mentor said to me, and then Ice Cube said it in a much more vulgar way. Life's not a track meet; it's a marathon. Those words were said to me by my mentor, verbatim, and then about five years later, I heard Ice Cube quote them in a song. And it's true.

And sometimes the ego wants us to be right, but does it matter if we're right? At the end, what does that do for the Santosha? What does that do for the contentment? It does nothing. It pulls you away from it, actually. So contentment is not something that just happens. It's something you have to work at, especially if you have been living life for like 40, 5060, years a different way to have to reset the clock and start over from scratch. That's a lot of work, and the end result will be beautiful. Because I'm telling you this. Every day in my life, I start to feel a little bit more okay, and I don't want to fight, and I don't want to be an asshole because I've historically been an asshole to people, I have because of my ego, because of my fragile skin, because of my needing to be right. I don't need to be right anymore. If I know I'm right, that's okay. If someone else wants to believe I'm wrong, then fuck it

So we come to this point where we think we know everything, right? Because we're so smart, we're so fucking capable, and all that other shit. But the truth of the matter is, maybe we don't know as much as we did. Now you know. Maybe we needed have a little help. I think one thing that traps us-one of those little bear traps we walk into. Is the opinion of others, the opinion of what people think of us, that validates ourselves, and I think we search for that.

 We have things happen to us and we can't explain them.  We tried to do everything right and stay on the path.  Yet, sometimes things don't work out and we lose our way.  We then go back to the drawing board and try to figure out how to keep things in our life that may not belong anymore or don't serve us.  What will happen if we do just that? How scary is it to just trust the universe and move forward in a completely opposite direction?

HIGHLIGHTS FROM SHOW

 here's the thing about this show: is I play lots of crazy music. I play music from every genre. I come up with shit that you probably have never even heard of, and that's what's so fun about this show. Just like in life, shit happens to you that you never thought would happen. Shit thought that things happen to you that you never thought you would have heard of. I can tell you right now that many of us that are teenagers probably have no idea what the trajectory of our life is going to be in 20 years. Because I will tell you what happened to me in 20 years. I owned a fucking business. Now that business is crippling me, and it's crippling me in more ways than I can talk about today on the show. But it's great to have your own business, and it's great not to work for the man. However, sometimes you have to say to yourself, "Is it time? Is it time to go in another direction? 

You feel like everything's good. But during that period of time, it feels kind of icky, right? You feel stressed. You feel heavy. You feel like the walls are coming down on you. You feel panicked. You feel like you can't breathe, and all you're trying to do is get something done, trying to make a living. But then sometimes you have to ask yourself: Maybe this is not for me. Maybe I need to change something. Maybe I need to find a way to get rid of this pressure and put the energy to something else. Maybe that's what it is. The thing is, answers don't just pop up in front of our face and give us an easy path. No. Sometimes we have to sacrifice. Sometimes we have to walk differently. Sometimes we have to think differently. Sometimes we have to let shit go. Because the only way you can see is by dropping the glasses. You know, 

No I am not talking about Miami.  I am talking about the place you go to find a way to get something that you are missing inside.  Filling the hole as my wife has said many times.  I have tried to fill the hole many ways.  Right now, it's gambling.  Although not serious, I have to look at my family history and my nature to understand why I must take action now to minimize damage, or suffer consequences later.  I am hoping people can learn from my story here and that's the talk of the day today.

HIGHLIGHTS

I think I have a gambling problem. Yeah, yeah, I think I do. I remember I went to Vegas a few months ago with my wonderful, beautiful hot wife, and I won $2,000. Since then, I've been playing slot machines here and there, at least once a week, and that might seem kind of not excessive to some people, but for me, it's pretty excessive. I don't like it. I don't like it one bit. I'm gonna tell you why. I have an issue with gambling. I have an issue with gambling because I have a very addictive personality. I get addicted to things quick. I get addicted to junk food. I get addicted to substances, maybe drugs. I haven't done drugs in a long time. Don't worry, it's been been a long time, like 20 years. Um, get addicted to video games

Why too much is not always good. The excess. You know, when you do too much of something, it gets boring sometimes, right? It is. Repetition doesn't always. It doesn't always make everything. It doesn't make everything better all the time. It sometimes makes things harder. When you eat a lot of food, what happens? You feel sick, right? You feel like sometimes disgusting, and I think a lot of times when you're in it and you're filling that hole, right, that we talked about, you're like you're not really seeing it because it's it's hard to stop yourself when you're in pain. When you're in pain, you want anything to take away that pain, and you don't care what it is. You'll take medicine. I mean, look at sports stars. Look at wrestlers. Some of them are in so much pain. They take these hardcore painkillers, and they end up becoming dependent on them because they use them so often. Maybe you're not built to be the saffling, and it's like because there's so much money in the line, there's so much. We sometimes build ourselves up into certain places that we don't have an escape hatch. We just have to keep moving forward with what we have because if we don't, we're going to lose our spot. We're going to lose all the things that we accumulated in our life, and it's funny because that is something Tyler Durden says in Fight Club is that there comes a time in life that the things you own start to own you.

It makes it easier to give yourself a rule book. So all you got to do is just keep working on that, and eventually you're going to find it. And one thing that I know is that one day at a time shit. That one day at a time shit is fucking helpful. If you can tell yourself just for today, I won't do this. That helps, because instead of saying every day for the rest of your life, you're only taking a 24-hour day, and think about it-you sleep about five to eight hours during that day anyway. So now you've knocked it down to, you know, roughly 15 to 20 hours