Building Resilience And Confidence In Kids: Kevin Baker’s Approach To Parenting

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On this week s Dads with Daughters podcast we spoke with Kevin Baker a certified life coach and father of three Known affectionately as Coach Kevin he offers unique insights into parenting through his personal and professional experiences This episode delved into various aspects of fatherhood particularly focusing on raising resilient daughters amidst challenges Whether you re a new dad or a seasoned parent the lessons and strategies discussed provide valuable takeaways for all The Initial Joy and Unexpected Challenges The Joy of Fatherhood Kevin Baker s journey into fatherhood was initially marked by joy and excitement emotions that many of us can relate to Upon learning that he would be having a daughter his initial thoughts mirrored those of countless new dads excitement quickly followed by planning From due dates to potential weather conditions Kevin and his wife wanted to be prepared for every scenario Navigating Health Challenges However their plans changed dramatically when their daughter was diagnosed with Tetralogy of Fallot a congenital heart condition This unexpected news threw Kevin and his wife into a whirlwind of medical appointments and surgeries Through three open-heart surgeries they learned an invaluable lesson about the unpredictability of life planning is essential but flexibility and emotional resilience are paramount Facing Parenthood Fears Head-On Common Fears Like many fathers Kevin faced immense fears particularly concerning his daughter s future independence given her medical challenges His fear extended into other areas such as her social and emotional well-being These fears initially overshadowed his joy but evolved over time Kevin s story is a testament to the fact that all parents regardless of their child s health share common anxieties about their child s future Overcoming Fear Kevin emphasized the importance of addressing these fears constructively He learned to channel his anxiety into positive actionable steps Letting go of expectations he said allowed him to focus on being present loving and patient This mindset not only alleviated his fears but also enabled his daughter to thrive despite her challenges Reprogramming the Parental and Child Scripts Resetting as Parents Resetting parental expectations begins with a broad perspective on life Kevin and his wife realized that life s journey is long and unpredictable They practiced zooming out to see the bigger picture understanding that daily worries shouldn t overshadow long-term happiness and success This perspective shift provided them with emotional stability and resilience enabling them to navigate their daughter s health issues with greater ease Empowering Their Daughter For their daughter reprogramming her mindset involved instilling tools for self-empowerment Kevin shared how they focused on open communication consistent encouragement and helping her develop critical life skills A significant part of this was educating her about the reality of social media debunking the myths of perfection that it often portrays They reinforced her self-worth and capabilities allowing her to combat negative thoughts effectively Coaching Tweens and Teens A Broader Perspective Understanding Teen Angst Working with teens and tweens both professionally and as a father has given Kevin unique insights into the adolescent mind He emphasizes the importance of understanding the thoughts and feelings that teens experience daily Many teens struggle with feelings of inadequacy anxiety and a lack of direction often exacerbated by societal pressures Strategies for Parents Kevin s primary advice for parents is to focus on connection and communication Instead of pressing for immediate answers he advises listening attentively considering both words and body language before responding thoughtfully He acknowledges that parents might not always be the best confidants for their teens suggesting the involvement of other trusted adults like extended family members or professional coaches Resources and Final Thoughts Kevin s experiences and advice emphasize the importance of patience understanding and clear communication in parenting One resource he recommends is Tara Brach s book Radical Acceptance which advises parents to pause and breathe before reacting This practice empowers both parent and child to make better decisions Closing Insights To summarize Kevin Baker s journey offers invaluable lessons for all parents His emphasis on patience flexibility and emotional resilience can guide us all in raising strong independent children Resources like Radical Acceptance and coaching can also provide valuable support as we navigate the challenges of parenthood For those looking to explore more about Kevin s perspectives or seek personalized guidance he is available through his website lifecoachkevin com and various social media channels Fatherhood is an ever-evolving role and by embracing lessons from leaders like Kevin Baker we can strive to be the best dads we can be TRANSCRIPT Unedited transcript created with CASTMAGIC Dr Christopher Lewis 00 00 05 Welcome to dads with daughters In this show we spotlight dads resources and more to help you be the best dad you can be Dr Christopher Lewis 00 00 16 Welcome back to the Dads with Daughters podcast where we bring you guests to be active participants in your daughters lives raising them to be strong independent women Really excited to have you back again this week I love being able to sit down talk to you work with you as we are working to be the best dads that we can be and to be able to raise those strong independent women that we all want our daughters to become And that being said as I ve said in the past and I ll say it again I know it is so important that you re here today because that means that you re willing to learn you re willing to listen and you re willing to do what it takes to be able to get to that endpoint that you want for yourself and for your family And to do that you have to be willing to be open to listening to learning and to take it all in and to figure out what works and to figure out what works best for you and your family Everything that you re gonna be hearing today may not work exactly for your family And that s okay Because each of us is going to father in different ways Dr Christopher Lewis 00 01 15 There s not one right way to father and there s no one playbook to follow to be able to know how best to be a father to your kids There are so many different ways that you can do that And what s most important though is that you re willing to know and you re willing to learn and find some of those other tools that you can add to your own toolbox to put into place and to be able to try some of those out Because you know what You might learn something new about yourself and something new that you can put into place to help you be that dad that you wanna be And that s why in every episode I love being able to bring you different guests different people with different experiences different dads coming from different walks of life and as well as other experts other people that can help you to be that father that you wanna be And this week we have another great guest with us This week we have Kevin Baker joining us or otherwise known as coach Kevin And coach Kevin s gonna be talking with us about his own experience as a father of 3 as well as Kevin is a certified life coach who works with families and teams and helps individuals to be able to build the best version of themselves Dr Christopher Lewis 00 02 26 We re gonna be talking about that as well So I m really excited to have him here Kevin thanks so much for joining us today Kevin Baker 00 02 32 Oh thanks for having me Chris It s a pleasure to be here And I look forward to getting some insights from you too This is great Dr Christopher Lewis 00 02 37 I really appreciate you being here today And one of the things that I love to do 1st and foremost is turn the clock back in time And I know you ve got 3 kids 1 daughter and 2 sons And I wanna turn the clock all the way back I know you ve got a 14 year old daughter so let s go back Maybe it s 13 years maybe it s 14 years you never know But talk to me about that first moment that first reaction that you had when you found out that you were going to be a father to a daughter Kevin Baker 00 03 02 Oh pure excitement and just so much joy Overwhelming amount actually of excitement And it quickly turned into okay what do I have to do next What s the next step What do we do So a little bit of anxiety being a plan We started to make arrangements figure out this is the due date Kevin Baker 00 03 18 What s it going to be like What s the weather going to be like Where are we going to go What are we going to do How are we going to do it And so we had this great plan And then fast forward 8 months final checkup at the doc they said We re seeing something with a heart and we want to get you guys over to the hospital to check it out And 4 days later our daughter was born and she was diagnosed in utero with a heart condition called Tetralogy of Fallot that would require intervention at some point which was like a total shock to us We did not expect this We had these plans but what about our plans And so we very quickly learned that it s great to have plans but you could pretty much throw those out the window And that has been the MO for my daughter ever since for the last 14 years And it s been great What a great learning experience Kevin Baker 00 04 01 What a great way to what a great introduction into parenting is that it s great to have expectations and it s great to have plans but really it s all out of your control So don t stress too much about it when things deviate from what your perfect plan was But fast forward 14 years she s had 3 open heart surgeries She had 2 her 1st year of life where they corrected the ASD and the VSD in the heart and fixed one of her valves and also fixed the bundle of tissue that was sort of in the way of things But she just recently on May 2nd had her 3rd open heart surgery and is fully recovered from that And she s been swimming in the lake all summer So it s been fantastic And we live right outside of Boston which is probably one of the best places in the world to have that sort of thing happen Kevin Baker 00 04 38 So we re grateful and we re blessed that we ve been through it And it s been a rollercoaster of feelings ups and downs and but we know life is a long journey and we are giving her all the tools we possibly can for her toolbox to be strong and happy and successful whatever that means to her moving forward in life So that is the short version of becoming a parent for me Dr Christopher Lewis 00 04 59 Now every father that I ve talked to talks about fear and your fears may be very different than some other dads especially with some of these surgeries that your daughter has had to have in her first 14 years of life But I m gonna ask you the question anyways As you entered into fatherhood and as you ve gone through these 14 years what s been the biggest fear that you ve had in raising a daughter Kevin Baker 00 05 23 You know that s a great question The biggest fear that I ve had just because my daughter has had so many challenges I would say that she s had to overcome and she still does She s got some communication issues you know some social emotional stuff happening you know which a lot of kiddos do But I think my biggest fear is that she wouldn t be prepared for life outside of the house when it s time for her to be independent And that was a fear of mine However it s not a fear of mine anymore And I have been able to take all those thoughts and all those fears that I ve had and let them go and sort of let go of all my expectations about what she s going to do when she gets older who she s going to be when she grows up and just know in my heart and in my soul that we re are doing the best job that we possibly can to help this kiddo figure out who she wants to be on her own And she s learning and she s doing great Kevin Baker 00 06 12 And that all gets reinforced to us through parent teacher conferences or speaking with other adults that help out along the way to raise our family and when I m able to let go of the fears and let go of the expectations and just know that everything s going to be okay because we have the tools to deal with it then we re all a lot happier for it And so I try to not be afraid of anything because that doesn t serve anyone Dr Christopher Lewis 00 06 39 You re not the only father that has had to have those fears and has not had a child that has had to have all of those challenges within her life and that they ve had to deal with in their life But not every father has had to also deal with those And sometimes things can change Things can get thrown through a loop and you ve definitely had to deal with that I guess as I think about that and what you just said I ve got 2 questions 1st tell me about what you and your significant other had to do to be able to reset that mindset I m gonna say maybe programming Reset the script that you had in your brain about how things were going to be versus how they were And then 2 how have you had to work to help your own daughter to reset her script about the way in which she had to see this for herself Kevin Baker 00 07 34 The first an the answer to the first question is that you know we really in order to reset the script as parents we had to zoom way out on life and realize that you know life is a long journey And you know everybody goes through stuff day to day that gets you emotional It gives you different thoughts that you have to work through and overcome There s a lot of worry The world is a busy hectic and anxiety inducing place when you think about all the things that could happen in life But being able to zoom out and know that yeah some days are really really hard But if you think about it the right way and you know that tomorrow s another day and it s all going to be fine and we have the tools and we have the for instance the greatest medical professionals some of the greatest medical professionals in the world here to help us deal with some of this stuff and know that we are smart and capable adults that can work through any problem that presents itself to us All we have to do is breathe and reason and have the resources that we were taught to use growing up that we re going to get through it and it s going to be okay Kevin Baker 00 08 33 And yeah there are a lot of nights where there s anxiety about what s going to happen Is she going to be okay Is she going to be able to play on the playground Is she going to have restrictions Is she going to be able to get a job one day Is she going to be able to drive All these things that us as parents we worry about But really if we just focus on being present and showing love and having patience then we have everything we need to be the best parents we can be and taking the anxiety and the worry about the future out of it and just focus on the present and do the best we can That s how we get by day to day And yes some days are hard but we get through it We keep our positive mindset and we get through it and you know it gets better And once you know it the next day when you tell yourself it s all going to be fine it actually is And how has my daughter been able to reset We ve given her a lot of tools and she s developed a lot of tools to be able to keep up with her classmates and her peers and to be able to communicate as effectively as possible with her teachers and her other trusted adults Kevin Baker 00 09 32 And we tell her that she s doing a great job and we congratulate her and we re her cheerleader and we keep an open and transparent relationship so we can communicate and try and figure out what thoughts are you having and how can we help you with whatever you re dealing with And just to keep that open dialogue and communication and let her know that everything s going to be okay And now that she s 14 a lot of the reset is trying to impress upon her that what some of the stuff she might see online or on social media isn t really the whole truth And some of these folks may be just showing you the top 1 all the good stuff that s happening in their life And maybe you don t have the fear of missing out on that because that might not be a 100 real So bringing that all back down to reality is a really important aspect of keeping that reset in play Dr Christopher Lewis 00 10 15 It is such an important thing I ve seen it in my own daughters and I know that so many parents do especially in those tween and teen years And I mentioned the fact that you had a lot of opportunity over your career to be able to work with teens and tweens to be able to really look at who they want to be but also how they want to get there and helping people and helping teens in that way Kevin Baker 00 10 42 You know the number one thing that I hear from kiddos all the time and one of the things that we work through because I think it s the most important thing to work through with them is what is going on in their mind and what thoughts are they having when they re put in certain situations that are causing the feelings and emotions that they re having that are causing the actions or non action that they re taking which is leading to results that are either what they re looking for or not what they re looking for So digging into what issue are they having Is it an issue about friends Is it academic performance Is it something happened to do with anxiety Or is it a lack of motivation All these things that the parents see as red flags for instance when they are you know spending too much time on the computer or not getting good grades or not socializing with too many friends or not finding interest in things that are happening in and around their life And so what we talk about right off the bat is what are the thoughts that you re having And a lot of them are having thoughts that they re not good enough or they re never going to make it or you know they ll never be you know rich and famous or they don t know what they want to do with their life or they re wasting time or you know all these negative deconstructive limiting beliefs that they ve had through inputs from parents teachers and you know there s a saying it s parents teachers and preachers that really influence the belief systems that we have and parents influence their kiddos with beliefs without even knowing that they re actually programming the mind of their child So digging into really what are those beliefs What are those thoughts you re having And why are you having that thought that you re not good enough And how did that come to be And then dissecting it And then giving them an opposite more empowering constructive thought like actually you know with practice I will be good enough and I could actually be one of the best or I am going to make it You know with hard work and persistence I am going to make it and I m going to be one of the best And give them that mindset that when they have one of those negative thoughts and they have a thought that they know is not a fact to analyze that and they come up with a new thought that empowers them And when they have the ability to change that to recognize that they are not their thoughts and the thoughts are just an internal narrative that s happening everybody has it Kevin Baker 00 12 53 It s a voice in their head and everybody has it but when you can control it so that it tells you so that it doesn t hold you back and it actually pushes you forward so you can get through whatever s holding you back without talking yourself out of it that s where we want to be with the kiddos You know we want to give them the ability to empower themselves when a situation arises so that when they start to feel negative or they have an experience and you know they think they re not good enough that they tell themselves like hold up you are good enough you got this Just do it Dr Christopher Lewis 00 13 22 And one of the things that can get really challenging in those teen and tween years is that your your children are going to are going through this transition are going through this transition that all of us went through as kids where they begin to test the waters even more and test the values and the family mores that have been put into place and that they ve been growing up with to try to identify who do they who are they who do they wanna be who are they to try to identify who they are and who they want to be And that can be really challenging for parents in many different ways So I guess I d love to have you talk to me a little bit about the work that you ve done with tweens and teens And as you re working with them as individuals from their perspective what are you hearing from them What are some of the things that they re saying to you And I know you re trying to work with the parents as well because sometimes parents just don t understand as they re trying to parent these kids through what they re going through So are there things that they can do to be able to reconnect and be able to understand their kids in a different way Kevin Baker 00 14 28 Well that s a great question and and it s it s almost a trick question because when you re a parent asking those questions and trying to understand your kiddo they don t always respond and it doesn t work Parents it doesn t work when you re trying to do that with your kiddo That s why it takes a village and you need to have other trusted people in your circle that can work with you and your kiddo to get to the bottom of it because they re not gonna be as open with you no matter what You could be the you could have the closest relationship Like this kind of stuff doesn t work with my kids It works great with everybody else s but you know there s a thing We have a limit on what we can do So and it s just because they see us 20 hours a day or whatever it is Kevin Baker 00 15 07 You know it s because we re there We have all these other roles and responsibilities that sometimes prevents us from cracking the code with our own kiddos But I would say that letting your kiddo know that Hey I m here for you if you need anything like if you want to talk And really the first thing to do is connect Like find the one thing that you can do to really connect with your child because it might be sitting down and watching them play a video game and asking them questions about it and then see what conversation comes from that But showing them that you re there and you care and then making that judgment as a parent it s like Is there something going on And what can we do to help you get through some of this stuff And they might have an aunt or uncle that they respect that s not the parent that can come in and open them up a little bit and get into that conversation Or before you go to therapy I always say triage with coaching because you know a lot of the stuff can be talked through And when we focus on the positive with coaching sometimes people don t need to go to therapy Kevin Baker 00 16 08 Sometimes they do need to go to therapy But parents start with connection and communicating and letting them know that you re there and you care is the number one thing Dr Christopher Lewis 00 16 15 So listening to what you just said one question that still comes to my mind is if your child is having those thoughts if you re noticing it where s the best place to start in having these conversations with them to engage with them and to try to help them understanding that we may not understand completely what s going on as well Doctor Robert Whitfield Kevin Baker 00 16 33 zero forty five fifty four And people change along the way Parents change along the way I ve had 3 kids and I think that they each have sort of had a different version of me as their father as I ve become a better dad or not depending on which kid you ask But we learn and we get new tools And I have become a better father Over the 14 years you know you learn as you go and the kiddos change drastically Dr Christopher Lewis 00 16 53 I love that concept because I think that sometimes parents get themselves into a situation where they re racking their brains and they re trying to figure out how can I connect with them better How can I do something to be able to reconnect And it doesn t always happen Now I am making a generalization because every child is different And as you inevitably probably either have heard or will hear older people are always saying to newer parents oh you know just wait until those teenage years Well the teenage years are not always going to be challenging They may be but they re not always going to be So you have to realize that every child is different And when you have multiple kids each of your children may be different when it comes to how they go through their tween and teenage year experiences for themselves So as you re going through this with your kids and you re realizing that each of your children are going to be different sometimes you have kids that are going through this at the same time and you have to have a different approach Dr Christopher Lewis 00 17 53 And you have to have a different approach to working with your children It s not always a rinse wash and repeat What do you say to parents when it comes to parenting multiple tween or teens during the same period Because we know that each of them are not going to be able to go through the same process together Kevin Baker 00 18 12 Yeah I think it s important to know that all kids are different And yes they all come from you but they are all very very much different And they all have their own vision They all have their own vision their own subconscious and and they all need to be treated similarly but they re all gonna have different needs And so trying to identify I guess what each kiddo needs that s different from one another is something you have to really be aware of And that comes from listening And when your child s talking to you not racking your brain thinking about what you re gonna say back to them but to actually just listen like to all the words and how they re saying it and what their body language is telling you while they say it Kevin Baker 00 18 52 And then take all that information in and determine what your response is going to be And to not react right away but to give it time and pause and let everything they re saying go through the emotional part of processing and give it a minute and then reply with a reasoned response is the best way to try and figure out who each one of your kiddos is individually And then let them know that they have such special characteristics and you know they have this unique identifier that is them and their personality and what you love about it to help foster that sense of individuality and to build up their self confidence and their self esteem and their self-concept because they all need to have they all need to know their important qualities and their characteristics and their values Like you might have a kiddo who s very sensitive and empathetic and caring and loving and really cherishes family and friendships And you might have another kiddo who is a little bit I don t know more outgoing Maybe they re a jokester You know maybe they are the life of the party You know maybe they were always the ones doing magic tricks growing up trying to be the center of attention Kevin Baker 00 20 00 You know so all kids are different and they all have their different qualities in trying to foster that so that your kiddos grow up with their own sense of self-concept which will carry them through life And that s the thing that on the hard days when they get faced with an issue with friends or something academically that they can say like You know what I m really smart and I can do this Or I am super friendly and no matter what that person says like I know I m me and I am a great person and I can do this and I can make these friends or whatever the case may be but giving them that sense of self Dr Christopher Lewis 00 20 30 Now I know that you ve worked with a lot of not only tweens and teens but also parents And as you work with these individuals are there any resources that you encourage parents or fathers to refer to as they re going through this period of time with their teen and tweens Kevin Baker 00 20 45 I mean there are some great podcasts out there this being one of them There s so many different resources for parents to dig in and to really spend time paying attention to I think one of the authors that I think is really hitting the nail on the head is her name is Tara Brach Tara Brach wrote and really the essence of it is to when you are faced with a situation with your kiddo and you don t know what to do and maybe you re having an argument maybe you want them to do some chores that they are procrastinating on Maybe there s something you need them to do that they re not doing it and you re about to get really with them but to pause and breathe The book is called Radical Acceptance And in essence it is you know accept that your kiddo is their own person and they know the right answers in their subconscious They know what to do and they want to please their parents Kevin Baker 00 21 36 And if we pause and we breathe and we give them a chance to do that without intervening kids will make the right decisions And to be able to practice that and then actually see it happen like right before you knock on your kiddo s door after you ve asked them to come down for dinner half a dozen times and they re still up there playing Fortnite or whatever it is just walk away and don t nag them anymore and let them make the decision and let them make the choice and have the consequence because it s all a learning experience And reading that book Radical Acceptance was a game changer for me in parenting and I m happy to share that resource with whoever s interested Dr Christopher Lewis 00 22 10 Now we always finish our interviews with what I like to call our fatherhood 5 where I ask you 5 more questions to delve deeper into you as a dad Are you ready Kevin Baker 00 22 18 Yep Ready Dr Christopher Lewis 00 22 18 In one word what is fatherhood Kevin Baker 00 22 20 Patience Dr Christopher Lewis 00 22 21 When was the time that you finally felt that you succeeded at being a father to a daughter Kevin Baker 00 22 25 When she made the honor roll Dr Christopher Lewis 00 22 26 Now if I was to talk to your 3 kids how would they describe you as a dad Kevin Baker 00 22 30 Maybe cringey A little bit cringe It s a new term that when I tell my dad jokes they don t sometimes they don t find them funny they find them cringey But I d say fun most of the time Dr Christopher Lewis 00 22 38 Who inspires you to be a better dad Kevin Baker 00 22 40 Let s say my father Dr Christopher Lewis 00 22 41 Now you ve given a lot of piece of advice today things that every dad can think about What s one piece of advice you d wanna give to every dad Kevin Baker 00 22 47 I would say breathe Breathe When it gets tough just breathe and let the emotion pass because emotions change You might have an emotion of anger or being overwhelmed or being anxious about a certain situation your kid may or may not be faced with But I think breathing is the most important thing we can do Dr Christopher Lewis 00 23 03 Well Kevin I just wanna say thank you for helping teens and tweens and thank you for being here today for sharing your wisdom on working with those teens and tweens and for telling us more about your experience as a father If people wanna find out more about you where should they go Kevin Baker 00 23 17 Sure They can go to life coach Kevin com So on Instagram at life coach Kevin and on Facebook at teen life coach Happy to have consultation calls with anyone that s seen some red flags If you re frustrated or confused with what s going on with your kiddo feel free to sign up for a call and we can chat through it and see if working together might be the right fit Dr Christopher Lewis 00 23 33 I really appreciate you being here today and I wish you all the best Kevin Baker 00 23 37 Same here Chris Thanks a lot Dr Christopher Lewis 00 23 38 If you ve enjoyed today s episode of the Dads with Daughters podcast we invite you to check out the fatherhood insider The fatherhood insider is the essential resource for any dad that wants to be the best dad that he can be We know that no child comes with an instruction manual and most dads are figuring it out as they go along and the fatherhood insider is full of resources and information that will up your game on fatherhood Through our extensive course library interactive forum step by step road maps and more you will engage and learn with experts but more importantly dads like you So check it out at fathering together dot org If you are a father of a daughter and have not yet joined the dads with daughters Facebook community there s a link in the notes today Dads with Daughters is a program of fathering together We look forward to having you back for another great guest next week all geared to helping you raise strong empowered daughters and be the best dad that you can be We re all in the same boat and it s full of tiny screaming passengers We spend the time We give the lessons We make the meals We buy them presents and bring your a game Because those kids are growing fast The time goes by just like a dynamite blast Calling astronauts and firemen carpenters and muscle men get out and be the world to them Be the best dad you can be Click here to visit this podcast episode
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