Adoption, Foster Care, And Fatherhood Strategies WIth Dr. Ryan Senters

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In this week s episode of the Dads with Daughters podcast we had the pleasure of speaking with Dr Ryan Senters a dedicated father of two biological children and nine adopted kids who also runs a nonprofit called Ohana providing housing and support for foster children We discussed the joys and fears of fatherhood the challenges of raising daughters and the importance of being intentional in parenting The First Steps of Fatherhood Finding Out You re Going to Be a Dad Recalling the moment he found out he was going to be a father to his first daughter Brooklyn Ryan Senters felt a wave of excitement and a profound sense of responsibility He and his wife had been trying to conceive for two years making the news even more special Ryan described feeling the urgency to get this right a sentiment many new fathers can relate to When we found out that I was gonna have our daughter Brooklyn just yeah Sure excitement and a sense of like probably responsibility of like oh jeez I gotta take this serious here I gotta make sure that I do this right Dr Ryan Senters Overcoming Fears Many fathers admit to feeling a unique set of fears when they learn they re expecting a daughter Ryan was no different expressing anxiety about being present and doing everything right especially since he lacked a paternal role model growing up He noted the irrationality of some of these fears but acknowledged how they shaped his approach to fatherhood I was just worried that I needed to make sure that I know it s not a right way but in my head I was very thick I had this fixed mindset I would needed to get this right Dr Ryan Senters The Challenges of Raising Daughters Being a Role Model One of Ryan s significant concerns was modeling the kind of man he wanted his daughters to value in their future He emphasized the importance of being intentionally present not just for his daughters but also for his wife to set a positive example His daughters one biological and one adopted keep looking to him for wisdom and guidance They deserve to be independent and helping them develop self-confidence They need to have a dad in their corner that s cheering them on and an example to what it means to have a man in their life Dr Ryan Senters Balancing Life and Responsibilities As a busy professional and father of many Ryan discussed the concept of balance He highlighted the seasonality of responsibilities and stressed the importance of mental reset techniques like the photo in his garage that reminds him of his primary job when entering his home Ryan advocates for being an intentional father rather than just a present one incorporating activities like tech-free Sundays to foster family bonds The Adoption Journey Deciding to Adopt Ryan and his wife always felt a calling towards fostering and adopting children They opened their home to numerous children over 15 years offering them a loving and stable environment Ryan shared touching stories about his adopted children like his daughter Pima who struggled with her past but found strength and identity within their family We have this mantra in our family you are strong you are brave and you are kind And so when she gets that you are so strong That s a big moment for us Dr Ryan Senters Expanding the Family The decision to adopt more children came with challenges Ryan recalled selling their home to move into a larger space that could accommodate five more children a testament to their dedication and love Their nonprofit Ohana named after a meaningful family quote strives to find forever families for kids in need embodying the belief that every child deserves a family Ohana means family and family means no one s left behind or forgotten And it was so significant for our family Dr Ryan Senters Building a Legacy Ohana Ryan also spoke about his nonprofit organization Ohana which provides crucial support housing and family connections for foster children His work not only benefits his family but extends to helping other families navigate the complexities of fostering and adoption Our belief is that every child deserves a family Our belief is that a kid s past story doesn t define them And what we have learned is that if a family is consistent and present any child s past hurts can be healed Dr Ryan Senters Conclusion Ryan Senters journey is a testament to the power of intentional fatherhood and the impact a loving supportive family can have on a child s life His story encourages all dads to step up be present and be intentional in their parenting whether with biological or adopted children For more insights and stories like Ryan s check out the Dads with Daughters podcast and consider diving into additional resources available at fatheringtogether org TRANSCRIPT Unedited transcript created with CASTMAGIC Dr Christopher Lewis 00 00 05 Welcome to dads with daughters In this show we spotlight dads resources and more to help you be the best dad you can be Dr Christopher Lewis 00 00 16 Welcome back to the dads with daughters podcast where we bring you guests to be active participants in your daughters lives raising them to be strong independent women Really excited to have you back again this week And as always every week I love being able to be on this journey with you because you and I are on a journey together I ve got 2 daughters you ve got daughters We are working through this trying to figure it out as we go along None of us have all the answers So it s important to be able to learn from other people and be open to learning from other people And that s why this show is here Dr Christopher Lewis 00 00 49 This show is here to be able to provide you resources provide you opportunities to to hear from other dads other people with different experiences that can help you to be the dad that you wanna be and help you to raise your daughters to be those strong independent women that you want them to be as well Today we got another great guest with us today Doctor Ryan Centers is with us today and Ryan is a father of 2 biological kids 9 adopted kids but he also runs a nonprofit that has been able to provide housing and support for more than 500 foster children He s a busy guy And I am really excited to have him here to learn more from him and his journey and to introduce him to you Ryan thanks so much for being here today Dr Ryan Senters 00 01 35 Yeah Thanks for having me on Dr Christopher Lewis 00 01 36 It is my pleasure And I love being able to learn from other dads And one of the things that I love doing first and foremost is turning the clock back in time So I wanna go all the way back to your first biological daughter that daughter that that made you a father But I wanna go back to that first moment that you found out you were going to be a father to a daughter What was going through your head Dr Ryan Senters 00 01 56 My wife and I were trying to get pregnant for a lot probably 2 years So probably it was just more excitement than anything else We really didn t have any expectation boy or girl but when we found out that I was gonna have our daughter Brooklyn just yeah Sure excitement and a sense of like probably responsibility of like oh jeez I gotta take this serious here I gotta make sure that I do this right Dr Christopher Lewis 00 02 15 Oh and I don t know that there is one right way to do it There isn t one right way to do it So a lot of dads say I ve got to get this right I got to do it right There s got to be a right way to do it And I keep saying no there s not There s not one right way There s lots of ways Dr Christopher Lewis 00 02 29 So thinking back to those first days of being a dad and I I talk to a lot of dads with daughters and a lot of dads are there s fear going into being a father but there s also a fear of being a father to a daughter What was your biggest fear in being a father to a daughter Dr Ryan Senters 00 02 47 Yeah I guess when I was as I think back I think generally when we when I had my little girl in my in my arms I was just like one just never have done this before and kinda felt a little bit useless My wife did a great job and was very patient very patient with me And obviously I wanted to be involved but I guess my fear being with my daughter is that I needed to I don t know just being present I was just worried that I needed to make sure that I know it s not a right way but in my head I was very thick I had this fixed mindset I would needed to get this right So it was a little bit irrational and a little bit probably not correct but I was 28 years old and trying to figure this out Dr Ryan Senters 00 03 27 And I was like oh shoot I need to make sure that this like my dad Nessa wasn t active in my life so I didn t really have a picture of that So I didn t have a compass to kinda help direct that So for me I it produced a little bit of anxiety in the beginning stages because I wanted to make sure that I wasn t doing it wrong And I think my past story and like my my family of origin really kinda impacted and shaped how I viewed and my fears kind of were a little bit irrational starting off Dr Christopher Lewis 00 03 56 Now as I mentioned you ve got a few daughters and a number of sons that you ve adapted as well And I guess as you think about your daughters and raising your daughters into the women that they have become what s been the hardest part of being a father to a daughter Dr Ryan Senters 00 04 11 I think for me probably the hardest part of being a father to daughter is just making sure I m modeling to them what they want for their future spouse is I have to be intentional and present with my kids but also intentionally and present with my wife and kind of model that I know they re watching especially now my daughter s 14 My adopted daughter s 25 and she s now married So they re coming to us for wisdom and guidance and I wanna make sure that I m helping model what they re a princess and like they deserve the best and they deserve to be independent They re gonna be independent and helping them develop self confidence They need to have a dad in their corner that s cheering them on and an example to what it means to have a man in their life Dr Christopher Lewis 00 05 00 I mentioned that you re a busy guy You re running a nonprofit You work in a community college and working with students there You are doing a lot of different things You ve got a large family as well where you re balancing all of that Talk to me about balance and what you ve had to do to be able to balance your professional life your personal life to be that dad that you wanted to be Dr Ryan Senters 00 05 21 I guess when I think of the word balance I don t necessarily know about if you re ever gonna balance it all out but there is gonna be seasonality of certain things So as I m growing a business and then also building out a nonprofit there is seasons where I have to be super intentional with that And then there are seasons when like this summer I m just fully present with my kids And one of the things that I ve always tried to do is actually as I go into my garage at home there s a picture on the front and the driveway as I go to park and it is a mental reset in my head that says all right this is my first ministry This is my most important thing This is my number one job is I don t get to just go home and just veg out Even if I had a stressful conversation stressful workday have a bunch of deals undone or I ve had hard conversations Like I have to get the reserve out of the tank and I have to reset my mind and say like alright Dr Ryan Senters 00 06 14 So it s like a visual representation as I m walking into my house that I m like alright First ministry engaged with my kids And what I ve learned is that like there are certain moments with kids that are more like are more critical than others So like early in the morning when they re waking up 5 minutes of attentional time 1 on 1 eating breakfast together around the dinner table there s no tech There is time to like and in the evening going to saying prayers or going to bed at night That s a really critical moment for our family And then we ve also built into our schedule Like we have tech free Sundays so it s kind of unique Dr Ryan Senters 00 06 49 We got 9 kids at home and they like technology just matches any other kid but that s like a family day of like intentionality I think there s been a shift with parenthood and fatherhood that it used to be like Hey in the old days if you could just like make sure they re taken care of that s great Then it s the last probably 2 decades been like be a present father But I think now I think that s halfway right But I think now it needs to be like now you need to be an intentional father intentional to how you want them to develop So for us intentionality is critical So for us we do tech free Sundays We have like a family breakfast Dr Ryan Senters 00 07 25 We ll go to play ball or play basketball and we ll do some kind of activity together and laugh Have fun play together when parents and dads play with their kids play with their daughters that s like releases so much stress and brings bond and it develops like oxytocin in the brain And it s very important for kids to feel bonded and safe Dr Christopher Lewis 00 07 48 So I mentioned that you have your 2 biological kids you have 9 adopted kids Tell me the story of moving into being a adoptive father and what that journey was like for you that made you and your wife decide that you wanted to move down that path Dr Ryan Senters 00 08 06 So we had a one biological daughter Brooklyn She s 14 now And then we always felt called I worked in a shelter in graduate school working with kids in coming out of jail or had didn t have families And I just fell in love with that work and knew that that was part of our path It s crazy Even at you re not really twenties my wife and I knew like Hey we re going to be a foster parent someday which is pretty abnormal So when we started after we had our first daughter we opened up our license Dr Ryan Senters 00 08 31 We ve been foster grand for 15 years have taken in I would say about 15 kids and we had 4 for a little over 12 years ago we had 4 kids under 4 which is a lot And we had 2 biological kids and then 2 adopted kids and our life felt pretty good I was working in a foster care group homes and there is a girl there though she s 14 years old and she s was one of like very quiet and reserved and she was available for adoption And I just kind of developed a bond with her And my wife actually saw her on these websites that were talking about adoption and she kept pointing her out to me And long story short we just kind of felt called to take a leap And we we took her in as a 14 year old and she was the most shy reserved girl She never played any sports in her life Dr Ryan Senters 00 09 16 I remember her senior year she we finally convinced her to go on some kind of sports team and she did badminton I was like oh sweet badminton And if you ve ever went to a badminton game or a a match it s quiet And I didn t know the rules and she s hitting the birdie and hitting it over And I m just we re just cheering her and all of our siblings just cheering her on like crazy And we didn t know the etiquette of the of the sport at all But what I was so proud is that her senior year she s been quiet and reserved her whole life We go to do the banquet and she got player of the year and we were so proud of her Dr Ryan Senters 00 09 53 We have this mantra in our family and we we say it over our kids We think identity and language is really important for kids So we say Pima our daughter you are strong you are brave and you are kind you are strong you are brave and you are kind We say that s three things over and over again In our business we have them that says you are strong you are brave you are kind And so when she gets that payment you are so strong And like or when she was nervous to go get her go to the community for the first time and go Hey I m going to drive you up there but you got to walk in So dad I can t do it Dr Ryan Senters 00 10 22 Dad I can t do it No Pima you are strong You are brave Let s go And she stepped out and did that And I remember so vividly her freshman year she was finishing up her community college test and she went across the street to go get something to eat And she looks over and she sees this guy panhandling on the street and are panhandling it Dr Ryan Senters 00 10 41 And she looks over and does a double take And she realized she recognizes this guy but he looks at her and he doesn t recognize her She looks again her heart starts to race and she says dad and it s her biological dad who s been an addict most of his life is homeless on the street And he said do I know you And he didn t even recognize her And it just threw her in a spin And that evening she comes home We don t hear about this She comes home and we re putting our younger four to bed and she s there with us Dr Ryan Senters 00 11 07 And she tells my wife and I this story And she s shaking and she s sitting to us and then just starts to cry And we say Pima you are strong you are brave and you are kind You are loved You are a center You are so important in trying to speak that over her where someone feels so insecure and feels like nothing And for girls that s very very common And I think a dad s role is to speak truth and treat speak that identity over her Dr Ryan Senters 00 11 32 And minutes later she says I want to put the kids to bed and she s never puts our kids to bed So she runs upstairs passes me by up the stairs and she runs up to my youngest son who s now 4 years old and she says Maddox she says you are strong you are brave and you are kind and you are going to college And for me she is now living into her identity and living into it and developing confidence because she s able to to spur that onto other people And for me that s the role of a dad It s the role of a foster parent And that s a big moment for us We have group homes and there was 5 kids that didn t have a family and our family was full And long story short we just kind of felt called to it Dr Ryan Senters 00 12 13 And it was a 2 year old to a 13 year old We sold our house 2 years ago found a place that could fit everybody reopen our foster license and took in these 5 kids and adopted them all this summer So that s been a whirlwind as well So I feel like I ve lived enough for 3 decades for sure in 20 years Dr Christopher Lewis 00 12 30 So you also run a nonprofit that helps to connect kids with families And not only are you taking these kids into your own family and creating these opportunities for but you re also creating opportunities for other families as well So talk to me about that and what drove you to create this nonprofit called Ohana that that is providing that but also connecting these kids with other families Dr Ryan Senters 00 13 03 One of our adopted sons we always called him Stitch like from the movie Lilo and Stitch She s like this wild terror alien baby thing And we always called him Stitch to life He s a lover and a terror And there s a quote in the movie It says Ohana means family and family means no one s left behind or forgotten And it was so significant for our family That s why we started our nonprofit called Ohana Dr Ryan Senters 00 13 23 And our belief is that every child deserves a family Our belief is that a kid s past story doesn t define them And what we have learned is that if a family is consistent and present like any child s past hurts can be healed So we have kids who are available for adoption that we are trying to find forever families for So we ve adopted kids through that program but we have about 90 kids that we serve and we have about 10 kids that get adopted every year which is some of the biggest joy and awesome parts of the journey And we try to equip parents that parents are like oh like when I was a young parent I was like I gotta be perfect and do this right Even more so when you work as a foster parent Oh I gotta do this right Dr Ryan Senters 00 14 07 Yeah Throw that out the window Show up be present love them well and they ll be alright Dr Christopher Lewis 00 14 12 Well and that s what I was gonna ask you was when you look at your whole family and how you parent your biological kids your adoptive kids I would guess I have 2 biological kids I do not have adopted kids but and I have not been a foster parent But in my perspective I would guess that you have to parent them the same way and you have to love them the same way Dr Ryan Senters 00 14 31 Absolutely Yeah So I you and it s interesting that like kids that we have adopted like they are part of our family the love that we have people like how could you do that How could you love like I don t know your heart just kind of grows Like it s like part of the calling of like the adoption and foster care But yes you have to I think you have to adjust your expectations when you re having a foster adopted child Some of my kids my son was in 7th grade and he was reading at a 2nd grade level Okay I can t have the same expectations for him Dr Ryan Senters 00 15 00 And some parents would be like Hey he needs to just focus on school No sports But I knew my kid had needed an outlet and he needed to move his body and needed to have something where he could have some wins and success And for him it was soccer So I made sure that he played soccer where my other kid says Hey if you have missing assignment dude you re not going to practice But this kid needed to make sure that so there is some you have to adjust kind of your expectations and sometimes bonding takes more time but they need love Like my 25 year old daughter she just still like it took her forever to be able to hug and I didn t want to ever force it hug But now she s like first thing she does she comes into my house and wants to give us the biggest hug and for an adopted child that s a big deal Dr Ryan Senters 00 15 41 Especially for a 14 year old black girl who doesn t know and I was a 35 year old white guy It felt off It didn t feel comfortable for her And I respected that But now it s time it s like no we re family Like we re love Like the love is deeper than any thing that makes us different Dr Christopher Lewis 00 15 59 So if people are interested in being potential foster parents in the future sometimes people think that this is a process that is really difficult and something that they don t wanna move down or they re scared because of some of the the things that kids may bring with them and what they have to be able to struggle with as a family as they re bringing them into their family What do you say to those people and how to get in or to work through some of the challenges that they may encounter in bringing foster kids into your family Dr Ryan Senters 00 16 35 A couple things 1 you have to 1 adjust your expectations 1 it s not about you It s about the child So that has to be reorient yourself I work with a lot of families that wanna complete their family And that s great I respect that Dr Ryan Senters 00 16 46 It can that can be part of it But also the primary thing is like I see this child and I want to make sure that they have hope and healing That s gotta be foundation But then there s also like just some people have been through it before So I always reached out to people who have been in this before Like when we were struggling with our son and having behaviors my god what the what the crap do I do here I asked people that knew So there s like general words of wisdom is like a take younger than your kids that you have in your home Take younger Dr Ryan Senters 00 17 15 Because why Because they will help guide the culture of what to expect for them I wouldn t get a kid that s older than your biological children And making sure that you know their history and are prepared for that is an important aspect as well And then having other people in your corner So for me it s like I always gotta have family I gotta have family friends We have a family of friends that will take their kid for a night and just give us a moment to reset Because you re like oh this is a lot occasionally Dr Ryan Senters 00 17 43 And having family to kinda help Hey Can you take the kids for a night so my wife and I so we can just have a chance to reset ourselves And that was a big big important thing Dr Christopher Lewis 00 17 52 Now we always finish our interviews with what I like to call our fatherhood 5 where I ask you 5 more questions to delve deeper into you as a dad Are you ready Dr Ryan Senters 00 18 00 Yep Gotcha is fatherhood Dr Christopher Lewis 00 18 00 In one word what Dr Ryan Senters 00 18 02 Intentional Dr Christopher Lewis 00 18 03 When was the time that you finally felt like you succeeded at being a father to a daughter Dr Ryan Senters 00 18 08 My 14 year old daughter we went to a dad daughter dance and she loved being the dad s princess and being with me all the time And we have the 4 year old little girl and she s like we need to make sure she comes too And she taught her how to dance and do all this other stuff So that was a really big win And we also just had my wife s 40th birthday and my daughter did a toast to her and talked so many great things And my son like prayed over and blessing over the whole night So that was super humbling and great Dr Christopher Lewis 00 18 36 Now if I was to talk to your kids how would they describe you as a dad Dr Ryan Senters 00 18 40 I think they would say I m fun Love to play sport with the kids I m strict They know that And I m a big believer that centers do hard things So they know we do hard things together Dr Christopher Lewis 00 18 51 Now who inspires you to be a better dad Dr Ryan Senters 00 18 52 My father-in-law for sure didn t have a dad but he is a great picture of a dad for me Dr Christopher Lewis 00 18 57 Now you ve given a lot of piece of advice You ve shared your story and talked about what you ve gone through as a father yourself or at least part of what you ve gone through as a father yourself As we finish up today what s one piece of advice you d wanna give to every dad Dr Ryan Senters 00 19 09 Kinda go back Fatherhood is more than just being present Present is good Present is is showing up to the game It s maybe coaching once in a while Maybe it s making sure you re not on your phone when your kids are talking to you present That s awesome But I think the next step of fatherhood is intentionality Dr Ryan Senters 00 19 26 Intentionality is having a picture of what you want your family to be about A picture of what you want your kids lives to be about I want my kids to be more generous I want them to serve others I want them to learn to do hard things So what s the picture And then intentionality is like creating opportunities and moments to do those things and naming those So for us it s like we have an intentional like we wanna we re creating a ranch for kids with special needs So for us like we do hard things Dr Ryan Senters 00 19 53 So we re building our chicken coop and we re all doing that together My daughter she s in a power of tools and making it happen Why Because I am teaching us one we do hard things and that we serve others And I m always pointing towards that So my kids can be reinforced that that is what we do That s who we are more than just present It s intentionality Dr Christopher Lewis 00 20 12 If people want to find out more about Ohana or about you where should they go Dr Ryan Senters 00 20 17 Yeah So I have a podcast and I m actually releasing one on fatherhood and parenthood foster adoption season this this fall It s called Unleash Your Purpose and you can look me up orioncenters com and ohanaaz org is our organization Dr Christopher Lewis 00 20 33 Well Ryan I just wanna say thank you Thank you for sharing your story today Thank you for all that you re doing to be able to help connect kids with their forever families And I truly wish you all the best Ryan Senters 00 20 45 Thank you Thanks for having me on Dr Christopher Lewis 00 20 46 If you ve enjoyed today s episode of the dads with daughters podcast we invite you to check out the fatherhood insider The fatherhood insider is the essential resource for any dad that wants to be the best dad that he can be We know that no child comes with an instruction manual and most dads are figuring it out as they go along And the fatherhood insider is full of resources and information that will up your game on fatherhood Through our extensive course library interactive forum step by step roadmaps and more you will engage and learn with experts but more importantly dads like you So check it out at fathering together dot org If you are a father of a daughter and have not yet joined the dads with daughters Facebook community there s a link in the notes today Dads with daughters is a program of fathering together We look forward to having you back 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