Joe Cody Discusses IVF, Advocacy, And Raising A Daughter

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Join us as we delve into the gripping narrative of Joe Cody on the Dads with Daughters podcast where he shares his multifaceted life as an entrepreneur advocate and a devoted father Infertility Journey Joe retraces the trying ordeal that marked the beginning of his fatherhood journey the quest for parenthood through IVF He lays bare his family s emotional rollercoaster marked by failed IVF attempts a heartbreaking miscarriage and financial strain amounting to 60 000 Grain Fertility A Beacon of Hope Amidst the turmoil Joe s expertise in health policy coupled with his volunteer work for Resolve sparked the inception of Grain Fertility The app enriched by Joe s personal saga stands as a testament to turning adversity into a beacon of hope aiding countless individuals in their fertility quests Empowerment Through Technology Grain Fertility not only simplifies the daunting medical landscape but also fosters understanding and empowerment It epitomizes Joe s crusade for accessible reproductive healthcare the service available in both free and premium versions embodies the convergence of education support and expertise Fatherhood Through the Lens of Fertility Struggles Joe eloquently articulates how overcoming fertility hurdles has sculpted him into a more present and grateful father Whether relishing the anticipation of his daughter s future or savoring shared moments at a Frozen musical he exemplifies the profound appreciation and unshakable love that stem from his experiences Defining Moments and Lasting Advice In an intimately revealing Fatherhood 5 segment Joe distills fatherhood to its essence love He humbly acknowledges his aspirations for his daughter imparting wisdom to fellow fathers on kindness and the pivotal role of love in parenting TRANSCRIPT Dr Christopher Lewis 00 00 05 Welcome to dads with daughters In this show we spotlight dads resources and more to help you be the best dad you can be Dr Christopher Lewis 00 00 16 Welcome back to the Dads with Daughters podcast where we bring you guests to be active participants in your daughter s lives raising them to be strong independent women Really excited to have you back again this week Every week I love being able to sit down with you talk to you to engage with you to find that commonality that we have in raising daughters in today s society And I know that each of us are on our own journey But you know what We are all on a collective journey because we are all raising daughters And that s important because all of us come to this with our own backgrounds but we don t have to do this alone There are so many other dads around us And while society may sometimes push us to be that lone wolf per se that alpha male that person that is that is being challenged to go alone and do things by yourself Dr Christopher Lewis 00 01 10 You don t have to And that s what this podcast is all about This podcast is here as a resource It s here to help you to go on a journey with all of the dads that are guests all of the people that are guests to find those resources and find those commonalities learn something along the way and help you as you are going through your own journey Because you don t have to be alone And you have a community right here That s here to help you in that journey that you re on every week I also love being able to have different guests with us Dr Christopher Lewis 00 01 43 And why Because I 1 I like learning from them But also 2 I love being able to introduce them to you So we have dads that come on moms that come on We have other people with many different resources and it is always a fun time to be able to learn about the journey that they ve been on and the things that they have struggled with as well because I m sure many of the things that they re struggling with you re struggling with too Today we ve got another great guest with us Joe Cody was with us today and Joe is a father of a daughter We re gonna talk about his own journey and I m really excited to have him here Joe thanks so much for being here today Joe Cody 00 02 18 Oh thanks for having me on Chris I appreciate it Dr Christopher Lewis 00 02 20 It is my pleasure Love that you re here and I m really excited to be able to learn a little bit more about you 1st and foremost we got to turn the clock back a couple of years now Your daughter is in that age 3 range So we re going to talk about what it s been like in these these years that you ve had with her So let s turn that clock back in time What was that first reaction that you had when you first found out that you were going to be a dad to a daughter Joe Cody 00 02 46 My journey is like a lot of people s where we were trying for years to try to have a child get pregnant We had to go through almost 4 years of infertility treatment IVF specifically to try to have our daughter So when we got that phone call from our reproductive endocrinologist saying that my wife was pregnant it was an unbelievable feeling And then the way that IVF process works you find out much quicker than other people do about the gender of the child and other stuff So I found out this we were gonna have a baby girl and I was ecstatic I was at that point where I didn t really care whether or not I had a boy or girl I was just so blessed to have a child concerning the journey we had gone through And then I really started to think through Joe Cody 00 03 24 I found myself fast forwarding through decades already where I was thinking about our graduation about walking right down the aisle and these other things that dads think about as you go through that process But then I had to kind of rewind to come back into the moment So it was really exciting moment for me Dr Christopher Lewis 00 03 38 Now a lot of dads tell me that especially in raising daughters and you only have a daughter I only have daughters So I can t say that I have the same experience and understanding what a father with a son goes through But a lot of the dads that I talked to that are dads with daughters have said that there s some fear that goes along with being a father to a daughter What s been your biggest fear in raising your daughter so far Joe Cody 00 04 04 I think for me it is you don t know necessarily what you re doing because you don t have that experience of being a little girl or a woman growing up in today s world So you think as a a male who has gone through your experiences you know that sheds light onto the way that we re going to approach different situations But understanding that her perspective is gonna be completely different She s growing up in a completely different time than I did So is that fear of am I doing things the right way and am I actually adequately preparing her for what she needs in life later on knowing that her journey is gonna be complete different than mine Dr Christopher Lewis 00 04 39 There s definitely ups and downs in that journey It s not always roses It s not always going to be easy What s been the hardest part of being a dad to a daughter Joe Cody 00 04 50 I think for me the process going through and having her and then immediately she was born April 2020 so at the very start of the pandemic So you have a pandemic baby who s born and you we didn t have a lot of support for that first 6 to 9 months because no one had vaccines yet Everyone was still trying to figure out what was going on So we felt really isolated during that process We did get to see our parents a few times during it but for the most part so and a lot of that was trying to figure out what are we doing going through this process And There are so many small things with little girls that you don t think of as a a male growing up and trying to figure out those things So I think that was you know one of the things that we ve just tried to figure out but constantly trying to remind myself that a lot of us we don t really know what we re doing We re kinda figuring this out as we go and we re doing the best we can and that s the most we can do Joe Cody 00 05 45 And I think if we continue to love and support and provide everything that she needs I think we re gonna be just fine Dr Christopher Lewis 00 05 52 Now you ve had your daughter in your life now for about three and a half years and you ve had definite experiences You just talked about the experience that you had right away There are definite memories things that you ll remember things that she ll start to remember as she gets a little bit older What s been the most memorable experience that you ve had thus far as a father to a daughter Joe Cody 00 06 17 He is really into pretend and to dressing up and all of those things And it s very funny because we didn t necessarily push any of those things until you know quote unquote constructs of what a a girl should be doing She just naturally gravitated towards those and loves Disney princesses So for Christmas this year we actually went to go see the Frozen musical at the Kennedy Center in Washington DC where we live So for Christmas Eve that s what we did It s my wife Kate my daughter and I went out had the 3 of us then went to dinner afterwards And it was an amazing time and she just loved the entire thing She got to wear her Elsa dress to the musical and knew the songs and it was a very it was an amazing experience to be able to to see that Joe Cody 00 07 01 So that s one of those things that I know I will remember Hopefully she does as well but there are lots of small things too that we ve been able to do together I really am into college football and sports and she s really started to love watching sports with me which I haven t tried to push it but I am kind of to a degree because it s a a really great way for us to be able to bond together So she ll start chanting I m from Missouri originally so I m a large Mizzou fan And so she ll start saying m I z z o u and she had chanting along and stuff So it s very funny to be able to see her do that Dr Christopher Lewis 00 07 33 I love it And I m sure you know down the road you ll have to see you know who she s gonna be rooting for for the Super Bowl and beyond and you know have some fun along the way Joe Cody 00 07 41 Exactly Dr Christopher Lewis 00 07 42 Now you re a busy guy You ve got a lot of things going on You re an entrepreneur but you also are involved in a lot of other things Talk to me about balance and how you have found balance in your life to be able to be the engaged father that you want to be while still being able to do the things that you need to do to support your family and want to do to be able to move your career forward and the other things that you re doing forward Joe Cody 00 08 09 I I think one of the things that I ve tried to do is to make it a priority to build it into your schedule You have to make an effort in order to be there for my wife to be able to help out with stuff You know as you re trying to do I m trying to build a company right now I ve had other jobs I ve been doing nonprofit work I ve been doing advocacy work for the National Fertility Association all these things But I always will try to have a few hour window in the evening where after daycare is over or before bedtime we re doing stuff together I try not to schedule as many calls as I can Joe Cody 00 08 41 Try to be there to be able to play pick up or drop off 1 of the 2 be there to cook dinner be there for bath bedtime And if there are additional things that have to get done they get done afterwards But trying to prioritize that time knowing that we only have a little bit of time while you know we re together and it seems like it s gonna be forever But in reality you know it s speeding along very quickly So me making it a priority and as I go through the entrepreneurial process or everything else I constantly tell myself that no matter what we do it s never gonna be as hard as the process we had trying to have her and trying to remember why we went through everything we did the the money we spent the emotional turmoil and the stuff that I m doing now and trying to help other people who are trying who are struggling with having kids I m doing it so that they can have those memories as well So trying to prioritize all that s incredibly important to me Dr Christopher Lewis 00 09 34 So let s talk about this IVF journey that you and your wife were on I know that it can be a long arduous journey and definitely challenging frustrating And and I know that that journey that you went on has led you to building a new company called Grain Fertility with an app that that is helping other families that are going through a similar process So I guess let s talk first about this journey that you were on And how did that lead you to starting this new company Joe Cody 00 10 09 Yeah So like a lot of couples when after you get married you think about wanting to have kids And we put it off for a few years My wife is a teacher She was getting her master s degree at that time considering if she wanted to be a principal We were gonna buy a house You know we re going through the traditional step by step process that everyone says you re supposed to go through So we didn t really make having a child a priority early on in our marriage Joe Cody 00 10 29 But as we started to have problems of experiencing that it really became apparent that it was gonna be a much more arduous journey And so that ended up being about three and a half years of infertility treatment that we had And over that course of that we had 5 failed rounds of IVF We had one miscarriage We had to go to 2 different clinics and spent close to 60 000 out of pocket to go through the entire process And as I went through that I kept thinking there has to be a way for us to be able to be able to make more informed decisions and to try to regain a sense of control that you lose as you go through the infertility process You really feel like you are a passenger in your own journey and there are so many things you have zero control over as you go through that process And my background is in health policy Joe Cody 00 11 15 I worked on the hill I worked for consulting firms Done for 16 plus years in DC trying to work on health policy issues So I started to volunteer for a a patient organization called Resolve the National Amp and amphetamine Association as a way to try to take back some of that control try to help others use my skill set to try to impact policy at the national level So that way people who weren t as fortunate as myself who couldn t afford these numerous cycles of the process could try to be able to go through that process in a little easier more cost effective way And as we went through that journey together I realized how common it was that people really struggled in trying to understand everything that s thrown at them as they go through that process Grain Fertility is the application that I wish that we had as we went through that process The whole idea was based off of what my wife did to manage her own information Joe Cody 00 12 04 She carried a binder to all of her doctor s appointments and that was the way that her doctors knew what was going on because those doctors aren t communicating to one another The patients were the ones who had to take control of that situation So the application essentially is a way to be able to patients to be able to take some of that control back and to be more empowered and educated as they go through this process Dr Christopher Lewis 00 12 22 So the name Grain Fertility talk to me about that What was it and why why did you call it that And what is the the symbolic nature of that name for the organization itself Joe Cody 00 12 35 Yeah So for a couple of things 1 so my my background is in health policy and for the last 7 years I ve worked in health IT policy specifically But a lot of the data that we have in our doctor s office it s all granular It s all been siloed away from one of another So it s not really able to be transformed into something greater But then I took Latin in high school And when you look back at the history of agriculture and fertility being tied together you look at the Greek and Roman goddesses most of the time you know you have Demeter Joe Cody 00 13 05 As the goddess of fertility and of grain So there s this association between both grain and fertility being tied together And so I really wanted to be able to have a way to be able to symbolize how we re trying to transform that data into something greater to be able to help promote greater fertility for individuals who are struggling with their own journey Dr Christopher Lewis 00 13 24 So let s talk about what this what your organization now is creating I said you have this app that is out there to help people that are going through this process like you were talking about specifically And so talk to me about the app what you ve created how it works and how it is simplifying the process for individuals as they are going from patient from doctor to doctor as they re going through this process Joe Cody 00 13 51 Yeah So one of the things that we are really trying to achieve is to be able to promote a better sense of education and empowerment for the individual So this application Grain Fertility that is available for download patients will sign up for it and then we walk them through the process of collecting their health information We ll help them create a timeline that allows them to visualize their fertility journey in one place and we give them organizational tools that allow them to access the different information they need when they need it So right now a lot of patients who are going through fertility treatment or managing any disease really have to go to their doctor s portal in order to sign up You log in your information You ll be able to see some of your information but it s not really accessible and it s really hard to be able to understand A lot of times it s in medical language acronyms and other stuff their doctors have written in these clinical notes Joe Cody 00 14 42 So not only do we allow that patient to be able to import that information put it on the application have it files on their phone computer wherever they want we also provide them with educational resources and tools and connect them with other organizations that help them understand what that means We we really believe that an educated patient is an empowered patient and information by itself doesn t necessarily help unless you understand the context of what that means for your own individual case So we try to provide those resources directly to the patient so that they understand what that information means in context of their own journey and then they can start to ask their health care provider what are the things I need to be doing in order to increase my chances of success What are the things I should be doing And what are the things that are coming next so I feel more prepared for the journey Everything doesn t feel like a surprise All of that starts to snowball into a patient that feels more in control They know what s coming on They can make better decisions because they are more informed Just like in business I firmly believe that if an individual has more information at their fingertips and they understand what it means they can make better decisions Same thing with our health care Dr Christopher Lewis 00 15 45 So if people are interested in this application is there a cost to it How do they access it What are they going to be seeing when they get into it And how do they start using it to the best of their ability Joe Cody 00 15 58 Yeah So you can go to the website www grainfertility com and we have 2 versions of the application There s a free version and there s a premium version of the application I firmly believe that every individual should their health data and you shouldn t have to pay for it That s why there s a free version of this application out there The free version will allow you to be able to download the information You can create that timeline You can organize it Joe Cody 00 16 17 You can access your information You can do all that But just like TurboTax QuickBooks and these other services that are out there sometimes you want some additional coaching You want some additional expertise to help you understand what this information means to be able to get connected with additional organizations that we ve partnered with to be able to help you with other aspects of the journey whether it s nutrition the mental aspect of it whether it s trying to get second opinions connecting with other health care providers in the fertility endocrinology other spaces that people are trying to access care So the premium version provides a little extra support for those patients who want that support for them but I firmly believe that people should be able to access this stuff free I wish I could offer this application free to everyone all the time It would be amazing if that s the case And maybe one day I ll be successful enough we ll be able to turn it into a free product because I I firmly believe that this information is yours Joe Cody 00 17 05 You should be able to learn from it and do it to what you want So that s kind of the basic model what we have right now Dr Christopher Lewis 00 17 10 So as you look at the future what s next What are you doing from here You ve got the app going but what s on the horizon Joe Cody 00 17 17 What we really wanna do is to use this information to help power the next generation of fertility treatment insights and to improve the experience I m a big proponent on information informing advocacy So the organization Grain Fertility is going to be also working alongside other companies individuals organizations that are helping promote improve access to reproductive health care throughout the United States to ensure that individuals can afford treatment You shouldn t have to be an upper middle class individual or higher in order to afford essential health care which I believe reproductive health care is So we want to be able to use this information to provide insights and data that drive better technologies to help drive down the cost to help improve access to care and really trying to promote a more democratic process for fertility care Because right now 1 in 6 individuals will experience infertility over the course of their lifetime So there are a number of your listeners right now who may be struggling a lot of them silently They re not talking about this process but they really are struggling and there s a lot of stuff they don t know as they go through that process Joe Cody 00 18 22 This doesn t mean though that 1 in 6 are getting care There are only a few 1000000 people in the United States who are actually able to get fertility treatment because of the cost because of access issues I wanna work firmly alongside other companies our organizations doctors to be able to expand access to that so everyone can have access to it So that s what we want this company to be able to do I firmly believe that companies can both drive profits and be good businesses but also make the world a better place And that s kind of where we hope to be able to have that intersection Dr Christopher Lewis 00 18 50 So you just talked about the fact that many dads that are out there though you said the 1 in 6 that are having these these struggles these challenges and they re doing it alone They re not reaching out They re not talking to other dads or other people about this challenging time within their life You went through it yourself So I guess one of the things that I question because we talk a lot about the importance of community the importance of using that community to help you in that journey As you reflect back on your own journey and I don t know how much you divulged when you were going through those years of infertility what would have helped you outside of your app And what would have helped you to be willing to open up to others if you weren t opening up to others Joe Cody 00 19 38 Or the 1st year or so we didn t tell anyone Our closest family members knew and that was it We were not open and vocal about our own fertility struggles our own journey There was a stigma and a shame attached to that You feel like there is some type of failure for not being able to have a child You you re raised your entire life We talk about this as a society that s you know this is the goal of all these individuals who are married to be able to procreate and have families Do you feel like there s something wrong with you as you go through that process And the pain that goes along with it is so intense at times especially once you ve had failure when you spend so much time effort money into it Joe Cody 00 20 17 And then for it not to work you feel this collapse So you wanna stay guarded because you re telling other people you re trying to have a child everyone there s natural follow-up conversations and questions about that So we weren t open for the 1st year or so And then it was actually a therapist that my wife saw quite regularly and I would occasionally go to I will admit I was not the best at going to it early on in the process But she s the one who tried to promote us talking about a little bit more and then actually referred me to resolve the National Infertility Association to get involved with them to serve advocacy 2 there should be no stigma attached to it And it is a disease It is not something that you should be ashamed about Joe Cody 00 21 02 Just like mental health just like obesity just like diabetes cancer treatment etcetera Individual going through this type of trauma should have resources available to them So I wish that I had known about that and been more forthcoming about it early on because once I started talking to others and was public about our own journey posting on social media which is way before I even started my company the number of people who I had reaching out to me saying oh I m going through this too And we started just talking Some one of my best friends reached out to me and said hey We ve been going through this for about 9 months now I had no idea I saw him all the time No one ever talked about it Joe Cody 00 21 41 He s one of my best friends And so I started to have these conversations with people and realized that we re all struggling looking for this So hopefully by me being more open I was able to tell other people There are a lot of communities that are out there and I think trying to find whatever that approach is for you is best Therapy isn t always the best for everyone Some men just don t want to do it Some do and they love it There are online communities that are available out there for people to be able to talk Joe Cody 00 22 06 Could be anonymous It could be any way but finding out ways to deal with it as opposed to burying it is incredibly important because it will consume you And it is the hardest thing I ever went through for sure But it made us stronger We talked about it a lot We were really open And I think that we re both better parents because of it and I think we re better spouses because of the journey as well Dr Christopher Lewis 00 22 27 So unpack that a little bit You say you re you feel like you re a better parent and better spouses because of this Talk to me about that What did this journey do for both of those aspects that really made you stronger in those ways Joe Cody 00 22 38 I think there s a sense of appreciation that you understand that nothing should be taken for granted and you have to work for it There were a lot of things It s very easy to imagine scenarios that if this didn t work out what happens to us as a couple Or what happened my daughter would not be here if this did fail Unfortunately there are a lot of individuals and couples who face that question right now You know they re childless not by choice but because they could not overcome the obstacles And so they re trying to figure out other ways to try to have a family whether it s through surrogacy adoption other things And they may just say you know what It s not in the cards We re not gonna have children Joe Cody 00 23 17 And they have to find a way to be okay with that So I think for us it was a matter of trying to realize that this ideal scenario of what we thought our wives were going to be where we were gonna get married we re gonna buy a house we we wanna both have multiple kids We re both from big families Irish Catholic families who really grew on all around a lot of noise So we had this ideal of what was going to be our future and then to realize that that isn t always the case Life is going to throw you curveballs and it s up to you to figure out ways together and to know that you have to trust on your partner to be able to provide those resources to be able to provide that help and that love And once we ve been able to go through that nothing is gonna be harder than that journey So as we could look towards parenting I think we re appreciative and understand that we are blessed to be able to have our daughter and everything is everything that we go from now on is just an experience that we really wanna take in We don t take it for granted at all Joe Cody 00 24 15 There are times obviously we get frustrated like every other parent does And you know we have to kind of remind ourselves that in the end it s really about that love that we re able to have established in our family and just think about that Dr Christopher Lewis 00 24 27 Now we always finish our interviews with what I like to call our fatherhood 5 or I ask you 5 more questions to delve deeper into you as a dad You ready Joe Cody 00 24 34 Ready Dr Christopher Lewis 00 24 35 In one word what is fatherhood Joe Cody 00 24 37 Love Dr Christopher Lewis 00 24 38 When was the time that you finally felt like you succeeded at being a father to a daughter Joe Cody 00 24 42 I don t think I have yet Dr Christopher Lewis 00 24 43 Completely fair Now your daughter s young so I m gonna ask you this in 2 different ways But if I was to talk to your daughter how would she describe you as a dad And then think let s say 10 years from now how do you want your daughter to describe you then Joe Cody 00 24 55 Now I hope she would say or think she would say that I m funny and compassionate But in the future I hope that she understands that everything we re doing is to help prepare her and give her the tools she needs to be able to succeed in life Dr Christopher Lewis 00 25 09 Now who inspires you to be a better dad Joe Cody 00 25 11 My wife and I are lucky enough to have large families so we have a lot of role models to be able to look after And there s a lot of different family journeys My my parents are divorced but my dad and my mom are both happily remarried And I look to that for inspiration anyways My father-in-law he just got remarried My wife s mother passed away in 2016 from breast cancer but there was an incredibly loving relationship and I had the honor of getting to know her Her her grandparents My grandparents were married for 50 plus years before a lot of them passed away Joe Cody 00 25 45 So we re we re lucky enough to have a lot of role models and people to be able to look after to say this is what we wanna aspire to be Dr Christopher Lewis 00 25 52 Now you ve given a lot of pieces of advice today things that have led you to who you are today and where you re going from here As we finish up today and you think about every dad what s one piece of advice you wanna give to every father Joe Cody 00 26 06 Be kind to yourself because we can often overthink things and think what we re doing is in a right or wrong or it is we re doing things the proper way as fathers I don t believe there s really a proper way to be a father and we all have different experiences that guide the way the decisions we make So be kind to yourself and leave yourself grace to know that you re doing the best you can And as long as you are there and supportive and you re able to show that love you re gonna do just fine Dr Christopher Lewis 00 26 37 Now Joe I know you ve mentioned it before but I m gonna ask you again if people wanna find out more about grain fertility or if they wanna find out more about you where s the best place for them to go Joe Cody 00 26 47 Yeah So you can go to our website www grainfertility com We re also on social media You ll find us on Facebook You ll find us on Instagram You ll find us on LinkedIn Love to be able to connect with anyone and everyone I m a big proponent of talking to anyone no matter what their experience is Joe Cody 00 27 03 I feel like I can always learn from people So love that you can find me on social media as well as Joe Cote on I m on x I m on Instagram LinkedIn Facebook etcetera So please do not be a stranger Reach out to me I would love to be able to talk to people in people in the community Dr Christopher Lewis 00 27 17 Joe just wanna say thank you Thank you for sharing your story today Thank you for being here and being a part of this about of the voices that are a part of this podcast And I truly wish you all the best Joe Cody 00 27 28 Thank you so much Chris I really appreciate your time Dr Christopher Lewis 00 27 30 The Fatherhood Insider is the essential resource for any dad that wants to be the best dad that he can be We know that no child comes with an instruction manual and most dads are figuring it out as they go along and the fatherhood insider is full of resources and information that will up your game on fatherhood Through our extensive course library interactive forum step by step roadmaps and more you will engage and learn with experts but more importantly dads like you So check it out at fathering together org If you are a father of a daughter and have not yet joined the dads with daughters Facebook community there s a link in the notes today Dads with daughters is a program of fathering together We look forward to having you back for another great guest next week all geared to helping you raise strong empowered daughters and be the best dad that you can be Dr Christopher Lewis 00 28 22 We re all in the same boat and it s full of tiny screaming passengers We spend the time We give the lessons We make the meals We buy them presents and bring your a game Because those kids are growing fast the time goes by just like a dynamite blast calling astronauts and firemen carpenters and muscle men Get out and be in the world Choose them Be the best dad you can be Be the best dad you can be Click here to visit this podcast episode

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